Bottle up and Explode
by SortItOut
Summary: Ben's perspective as he deals with his feelings for Leslie and his tendency to flee in less than ideal circumstances. Basically a healthy amount of Ben character exploration, with a nice bit of Ben/Leslie thrown in.


Title: Bottle up and Explode

Pairing: Ben, Leslie/Ben

Word count: a little under 4500

Spoilers: Set post season 3, no specific spoilers, but a few well-worn ideas about what might happen.

Summary: Ben's perspective as he deals with his feelings for Leslie and his tendency to flee in less than ideal circumstances. Basically a healthy amount of Ben character exploration, light on dialogue, with a nice bit of Ben/Leslie thrown in.

A/N: The title is an Elliot Smith song. What else, this is only my second attempt at writing in this fandom, so that is a little intimidating. Any and all comments or critiques are welcome. A part of me wants to write a companion piece that would be Leslie's perspective, let me know if that sounds like something you would want to read. Enjoy.

* * *

><p>Ben had no idea what he was doing anymore.<p>

He had spent the first 18 and a half years of his life being by nature, an optimistic dreamer. Then his big dreams went down in the icy remnants of a half-finished frosty wonderland…

So he spent the following decade or so of his life being the most logical pragmatic person he could manage to be. No fuss, no muss, and minimal emotional entanglements. Then Leslie appeared in his life and because of her unyielding inner amazingness it somehow allowed him to be both sides of himself. He could be sweet and focused, have fun ideas and follow with practical execution. While caught up in her orbit everything worked perfectly.

And just like every dumb romantic comedy he had ever been forced to watch, he just knew deep inside that she was _it_ for him. Every day he knew her it only reaffirmed the fact that she was perfect for him. He had thought that "_you just know_" thing was bullshit, something people said to reassure themselves of commitments already made.

That was until the day Leslie smiled up at him from her position lying on his bare chest. Her blonde hair perfectly mussed, her cheeks flushed, and asked him in a wonderfully sated voice _to name his dream cabinet, living or dead, if he were ever to become president._ It was a small moment but Ben's stomach clenched and an actual physical feeling ran through his entire body, hit his brain, and suddenly he knew. It was far from bullshit because it had happened to him, he knew. She was _it. _ Not an infatuation, or a crush, or lust, but love and the whole package .He fucking knew.

So when she broke up with him, it was far from great, to say the least. He likened the feeling to what he always imagined the dude in in _Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom _felt like when he had his heart ripped out of his chest by a guy's bare hands.

Since then, the two sides of him that had been working so well together also had a parting of ways. Now it was a constant court battle in his mind, _Heart vs. Head, Logic vs. Optimism._

A part of him was screaming, _"Cut your losses and get the fuck out of Pawnee."_

He was nothing more than a masochist if he stayed in town. Leslie was everywhere and her running for office was by no means going to decrease the amount of time he would be reminded of what he no longer had. He would have to see her physically, and on posters, television, newspaper articles, and the list was sure to go on. What kind of cruel shit was that? That the very reason she broke up with him was going to cause him to be constantly reminded of her.

However, he heard the west coast was lovely this time of year. No beach front town had reminders of the love of his life everywhere he went. He could do the smart, sensible thing. He could move out and move on. Start fresh, he had done it before.

On the other hand, no beach front town had _the love of his life_.

Moving away really meant giving up on her completely. If she was the one and he knew she was, how could he do that? He had the sinking feeling that the only thing worse than the pain of seeing her and not being with her would be not seeing her at all.

Which lead the logical part to remind him that she made her choice and harsh as it was, it wasn't him.

That was countered with a what if? In the future, things were different. Circumstances change. If he wasn't around he would never know.

This was usually the point in his internal debate where his logical side called him a pathetic pussy.

Then lather, rinse, repeat. Another day, another internal debate.

Ben was quickly learning what a crappy place it was to be when the one decision that would make you happy is not an option.

When no matter what you choose you know you are going to feel like shitty shit for the foreseeable future.

That is why Ben had no idea what he was doing.

He just knew that he was heartbroken.

He was sure of that.

* * *

><p>Ben understood why she did it.<p>

That might be the worst part of it. He understood it completely. It was the logical move for her, but more than that this was her passion, her dream…

How could he tell the woman who brought dreaming big back into his life that she should pick him over her lifelong dream? Ben wouldn't do it. He couldn't do it. So he didn't do it.

Instead, Ben listened quietly as Leslie tried her best to make it known how little she actually wanted to break up with him, while simultaneously breaking up with him. He started counting her sorry's when she began talking about how deeply she cared for him because that was when his eyes started stinging. He knew if he didn't take himself out of the moment, if he kept really listening to her, he was going to embarrass himself. The count was 27 by the end of her heartfelt speech and he had managed to keep any and all tears at bay. But just barely, Leslie's break up was incredibly sincere. It was a crazy time to feel a surge of love for her but he did. She was just so kind and concerned and it was just one more reason she was an amazing person.

So Ben did the best he could for her. He wasn't perfect, but he really did try. He tried to save her any extra pain by being as accepting as possible of the whole thing. He told her he understood. He wished her the best in everything. When she leaned closer to him, when it was all over, he stuck out his hand to stop the potential hug because he knew anymore contact than her hand and he would be done for. The last thing Ben wanted her to deal with was his tears, or the thought that she had caused them, when she already had her own to worry about. So they awkwardly shook on their break up. Then like a gentleman he calmly walked away from her, waited till she was out of eye line, and then sprinted to his Saturn before letting tears fall.

Ben had never been involved in a break up like his one with Leslie. It might be childish, but he wanted someone to blame. He also wanted to learn some kind of lesson. In the past, it had never been like this. He always had some general direction to throw his post break up angst at. But, now when he had never been so heartbroken he had nothing to aim for and it was utterly frustrating.

Cindy Eckhart was everything those pretty evil Heathers types were all about. First she made him her secret boyfriend. Then, she cheated on him repeatedly. Cindy made him buy her lavish gifts and take her to restaurants in neighboring towns. She refused to go to senior prom with him and hooked up with James Farnsworth in the handicap stall of the men's bathroom, to top off the memorable night. She constantly made fun of Star Wars. She only publicly dated him after he became Mayor.

So when she broke it off in front of everyone after Ice Town at Brett Raisers Birthday party, he had plenty of reasons to blame her. That focused hate really gave him an outlet for his post break up malaise. The lesson learned, he would never let himself be enamored by another mean girl.

Alexis "Al" Gallo, was smart, sexy, sarcastic and completely emotionally unavailable. Ben met her his senior year of college. She was the first girl since Cindy whom he dated for more than a couple months. They were together for over 2 years and yet she refused to take his key. She would sleep at his place, but only let him sleep over at hers when they were both completely wasted. Al once hid in his bathroom for over an hour to avoid meeting his mom when she came over for an unexpected visit.

He had seen that break up coming for a long time, but she was so fun to be around he waited it out. When she finally did it, it was easy to blame her emotional limitations. So he did, repeatedly. The lesson learned, when people keep showing you who they are, you need to believe them.

He in turn fucked over Shelly Turner big time. He was still in love with Al. However, his buddies convinced him to get back on that horse or something equally cheesy, while making him down shots, night after night. Eventually, after weeks of peer pressure and general sadness he gave in and called the one girl he knew was into him. Shelly was sweet, quiet, and perfectly attractive. She worked in the same office as him and had been pretty obvious in a school girl crush kind of way. In fact every other member of the office had told him at one time or another how into him Shelly was. She was easy to date. Easy to be around. Simple. Ordinary. Uncomplicated. He repaid her loyalty and easy going nature by dating her for six months, running into Alexis at a bar, making out heavily in her car, before Alexis kicked him out and told him vaguely that _"she had to be at a thing."_

He broke up with Shelly the next morning. He was happy to blame himself for being such a dick. The lesson learned, seriously when someone tells you who they are believe them (_this time it stuck_) and just because you are hurt its not excuse to spread your misery and hurt other people. He still feels bad sometimes about Shelly.

Then he landed the job with Indiana state government and started his nomadic lifestyle. While he dated on occasion, no one ever really made it past the 5th date or so. There was no need for blame or to learn lessons when there is no hurt and there isn't any commitment.

Then Ben met Leslie and everything made sense. No one else worked because the universe was waiting for him to meet her.

So finally Ben decided to blame the universe and he really fucking hated that asshole right now. He still couldn't figure out the lesson besides maybe before you fall crazy in love with someone try and make sure outside circumstances won't make it impossible to be together.

* * *

><p>Ben was staying in Pawnee.<p>

He had been waffling for months now, but he knew for sure he needed to be in Pawnee. Just like the last time he made the choice to stay Leslie was the main reason. There were other factors, he loved Pawnee, his friends, his job, but in the end it was always Leslie.

Leslie was breaking.

The campaign was completely wearing on her and though an outsider wouldn't be able to tell, Ben could. He was watching it happen from a distance but that didn't make it any less real or true. Having to keep his distance killed him on so many levels. His main concern right now though was all about Leslie's well-being. She was coming apart slowly and he knew she was strong and would try to power through it but…

Ben needed to help her, or he needed to try.

Helping from afar was key because he was sure inserting himself closer wasn't going to be helpful for her. Since the breakup they had been polite but distant. It was just the only way for it to work and he didn't think while she was stressed and running on empty it was a good time for her secret ex to magically reappear full time in her life. There were just too many ways it could backfire and potentially make things worse.

At the same time, he knew that if she did come apart fully it would be awful. He couldn't even completely fathom what the hell that would mean for someone as positive and driven as Leslie.

Even as a fresh faced kid Ben had never held the level of faith or drive that Leslie had and he had come apart spectacularly. He knew what if felt like to be publicly and mercilessly beaten down in the press. He was genuinely worried for her. She wasn't being impeached like his debacle, but the all-out small town press attacks, those were remarkably similar.

The race for City Council was not going well for Leslie. Things had been going relatively smooth for the majority of the campaign but in the last month things took a dramatic shift.

Turns out, even without the media figuring out the particular scandal that was Ben's former relationship with Leslie, they still had a bunkers worth of other ammunition. All of which came to the surface seemingly at once. Apparently showing your ass on camera on more than one occasion was not a wise move for someone with political aspirations. The unpixelated raw footage of the two occasions Leslie had done so were edited together on YouTube while _Two Live Crew_ crudely sang the line _big booty hoes, hump wit it_ went viral. Needless to say, that debacle was the first thing that didn't help matters at all.

The fact that the bag of douche that was her opponent Councilman Howser had been the reason for one of the two exposures didn't seem to matter. Ben was certain at this point that the councilman could literally do any horrible deplorable act and his numbers in the polls would stay relatively consistent. It seemed Pawnee was used to sleazy dudes, but a bright confident woman who would do what it took to clear her name or help a friend was a threat.

That incident was followed by Joan Callamezzo spending the entire hour of her show grilling Leslie about the infamous gay penguin fiasco and ultimately parlaying that into grilling Leslie on her stance on gay marriage. Leslie was passionate and clear about every person being equal in her eyes. Her progressive views were another check mark against her. Which seemed insane to Ben, yet it was what it was, and she was down in the polls.

Soon the negative press was everywhere. Something about a dinner party where she exploited rec center teachers. Another story about her accepting monetary gifts while at the parks department. Some kid named Greg Pikitis claiming she once defaced his property backed by his mother. Another story about how she was too much of a zealot going so far one time as to chain herself to a gate at a private party. Ben knew the story behind most of these events and the ones he didn't he knew with all his heart were equally explainable. None of that knowledge helped Leslie one bit.

He needed to figure out something that would though.

* * *

><p>Ben was in his room, too wired to sleep, and listening to the saddest playlist in the world on his IPod (<em>It consisted mostly of Elliot Smith and The Smiths, and had seen its fair share of plays in the last few months<em>.) when an idea began to form in his mind about how he could potentially help Leslie.

He spent the rest of the night actually feeling remarkably Leslie like when he started brainstorming, making lists, researching, and forming a concrete plan. He got a Leslie amount of sleep as well, but the next day he felt energized running off the adrenaline of turning ideas into action.

This project cemented for him that no matter where he and Leslie ended up, he would always want what was best for her. He knew he would always help in any way he could to make it happen.

Ben managed to pull it off.

He tracked down a few former Camp Athena members who were thriving and convinced them to call Perd Hapley. He told them to be as vague as possible about why they wanted to discuss Leslie on the show. Then when they came on to _You Heard with Perd_ they sang her praises loudly, taking about their accomplishments, and how they were inspired by the camp and more importantly Leslie herself.

He paid Freddy Spaghetti way too much money to write a pro Leslie song (_that according to Freddy had to involve pasta to maintain his image)_ and had him start singing the song at every Pawnee event and concert he could. The simply titled "_Knope"_ set to the tune of Kriss Kross's "_Jump" _was slowly becoming a local hit with families in Pawnee.

It was also unbelievably catchy and Ben had been singing the chorus, _if half shells could vote, they'd vote for Knope_, _Knope, Fuseli would vote for Knope, Knope, Your Mom and Dad should vote for Knope, Knope. Believe it! _quietly to himself for a good week now.

Lastly, and the most nerve wracking for Ben, he wrote Leslie a letter.

A letter he ultimately gave to Ann, telling her to read it and decide if it was better for Leslie to see it or not. He had been keeping a respectable distance and he didn't know if the note would be welcome or do more harm than good. It basically said he was proud to know her, he knew how difficult it was to run for office, and he would be casting his vote for her without question. It wasn't half of what he wanted to say to her, but he needed to let her know he believed in her without bringing in the baggage that was them.

His anonymous moves along with Leslie and her teams more substantial PR work had Leslie climbing back up the polls as the election drew near. He didn't know if she would win, but when he would see her in the halls, or at meetings, she didn't look like cracked glass held flimsily together by fake smiles anymore.

That was enough for him.

* * *

><p>Leslie doesn't win.<p>

Ben was there along with all of Leslie's friends, staff, and a good chunk of Pawnee as she gracefully made her concession speech.

Afterwards, she came right up to him.

He was still in shock at the sight of her (_Beautiful as ever but more importantly_ _so close and actually speaking to him on a one on one basis_) that he barely heard her when she told him Ann gave her the letter he had written. He definitely was paying attention though by the time she smiled sadly and told him she just wanted to say a postdated, face to face, thank you because it meant a lot to her at a time when she really needed it. She took in a deep breath and for a moment Ben was sure that the thank you was just the beginning of what she had to say, but then she got tapped on the shoulder by a staffer and was gone as fast as she was there.

Ben left about two minutes after that. All of a sudden the amount of people around felt suffocating.

So when Ben received a text from Leslie sometime long after midnight, which asked very nicely if he could come open his door only if he was both awake and wanted to of course, it's was a little jarring. He thought the moment had passed. However, it didn't stop him from practically racing from his room to get to her.

He was surprised when he opened the door and saw that she looked less sad (_as he had expected_) and instead more like the fiercely determined Leslie who used to try and set up 28 meetings a day with him that first summer he knew her.

Ben had no chance to mull over why because as soon as Leslie saw his face she started talking as if she would lose her will if one second of polite conversation was observed.

"Here is the thing, I know this doesn't change anything but I want you to know, I know I made the wrong decision. If I could do it again, I would pick you too. I should have at least had the courage to try to have both by coming clean or something, but I was so afraid of a scandal and what I was feeling for you… It was stupid because you are worth it, and damn it I should have picked you. I should have fought for everything I really wanted and not just the part I had been wishing on the longest. If there is any way I am not too late…"

Ben needed to cut her off. This was a situation he had fantasied about but now that it was happening he was surprised that he felt conflicted. So to stall he focused on the part of what Leslie said that he had a clear response for.

"You didn't make the wrong choice. You went for your dreams. That is an amazing thing to do. I am so proud of you."

Ben meant it.

"God Ben, you know you are like wonderful, right?"

"But…"

"I was hoping there wasn't going to be a but..."

"You hurt me."

Ben shocked himself as the truth blurted out of him. He didn't really know how he was going to finish that but when he said it, but raw honesty had definitely not been the plan.

"I am so so sor-"

"You don't need to say you are sorry. I know why you did it. I don't blame you, but it still killed…. and that cynical hard ass fascist mean Ben part of me can't help but wonder if you would be here like this if Howser hadn't won."

"Is that what you think of me?"

"No, but no one likes feeling like a conciliation prize, a runner up, or whatever other clichés there are for not being first choice, and my head and my heart haven't been on the same page for a while now. It's just confusing."

"I have missed you every single day. _Every day_. No matter how hard I tried not to, no matter how busy I was, I swear every day I ached."

"Leslie…"

This wasn't what Ben wanted, Leslie to have tears running down her cheeks as she spoke about him. He really never wanted to be the cause of any pain to her ever. His hurt was fading rapidly as if expressing it out loud was a way of releasing it. His logical side started to join his heart again on Team Leslie and told him that it doubted the particular situation that had caused their mutual heartache would be a problem again.

The bottom line was that he loved her. With sudden clarity he knew telling her that was the only thing he needed do.

Leslie had other ideas.

"No, let me finish. If I had won maybe I wouldn't be here tonight, but I would have been here soon, maybe tomorrow or a week from now, but I would have come because my heart can only take so much. Even when I thought I might win, was sure of it for a while even, I was still partly miserable. I thought I had my dream, but I guess sometimes what your dreams... I don't know Ben. I dreamed of running for office practically every day for as long as I can remember and while it was happening I loved it, but I kind of hated it too. I never dreamed of someone like you, didn't even think you existed, but you are certainly the only choice I know is right for me. I will do whatever it takes, if you will take me back. No more secrets, we will come clean, I know now that I should have applied the same tenacity I do to everything else to figuring out a way to have you in my life. From now on I will do just that. We can figure it out. You and I come first, consequences second… You know only if you want."

"Leslie, I love you. Possibly too much if that is even a thing."

"Oh thank God I love you too. Wait, does that mean you want to try again?"

Ben lunged at her.

He simply could not spend another second not touching her. He grabbed her by the waist with both hands and pulled her close. His lips met hers in a tender lingering kiss. Soon their lips found each other's with a practiced ease, the dance of their tongues and lips both familiar and passionate, physical proof that they worked fantastically together. One kiss melded into another, hands began caressing any and all skin they could find and soon they were openly rounding second base in the hallway of the house he shared with April and Andy. It felt glorious.

"My room," Ben grunted. it was literally all the capacity for language he had at the moment.

"Yes. Your room. That is exactly where we need to be. I need us both in your room and in fewer clothes. Preferably, very much naked. I have really missed you, Ben. This was your way of saying you want to get back together, right?"

"Good lord, yes."

That earned him another deep smooch from Leslie before she began to lead him by the hand to his own room. It was clear that Leslie's speech was less affected by their encounter because she quietly but consistently chatted with him about how unbelievably ecstatic she was by this turn of events the whole way.

"You know the first couple of times you drink and you think oh wow I am so drunk. Then one day you actually get wasted and you realize those other times you thought you had been drunk you were really just tipsy…"

"Yeah…" Ben replied tentatively when they reached his bedroom door.

"When I realized I was in love with you, it was like that."

"You felt drunk?"

"No, I realized any other guy I have said those words to I just really liked but I didn't know anything could feel like this until it did. It was a little scary at first."

His mouth actually hurt from how big he was smiling and seeing her with a similar expression on her face, he could do nothing but start giddily kissing her again while gently guiding her into his room.

Ben was really glad he stayed.


End file.
